Category Archives: quotidian

problems with moderation.

This afternoon, I wanted to take a nap but got up and ran on my minitrampoline while watching TED talks on vulnerability, shame, and the brain.

(that’s probably too much running after not having done it in a year…)

This evening I needed to make some food for breakfasts and lunches for the rest of the week, so I prepared:
– hard boiled eggs
– roasted sweet potatoes
– Gujarati carrot salad
– rice with ghee, tamari, and nutritional yeast
– 10 grain cereal with dried fruit, nuts, butter, and maple syrup

While doing all that and the dishes, listened to:
Ray Olson: 02-12-2012: Zazenkai: The Great Escape: Breaking out of the Prisons of our Minds
Kaz Tanahashi: 01-25-12: Joy Density

shut up and write.

Tonight I did some mild cleaning and listened to two talks from Upaya Zen Center:

I want to make writing more of a practice. For years, I wrote daily, but when I started full time work over two years ago, I let that go. It takes time, but it is and always has been so necessary to the way that I operate. I know my deep self, my wild mind, my soul better when I write on a regular basis.

Goldberg talked about the importance of sticking to something. Baca spoke about the words pushing you out so that you reinvent yourself in space.

I know about meaning-making. Documenting. Amplifying. Sifting-through.

But where to write? What to write? With what intent? That doesn’t matter right now. Shut up and write. On a regular basis.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

If I were suddenly shrunk to the size of a bug, the last bird I’d want to see is the American Robin.

This after watching one disembowel a cicada last summer, and another peck at an earthworm last week.

inner dialogue.

Part of self 1: Oh I know what I should do this evening! I should go to the used bookstores in town. That’s what I need. More books!

Part of self 2: No. Or at least not until you go through the academic books in your office, so you can at least hopefully get some store credit for some of them.

Part of self 3: WTF? Weren’t you just this morning bellowing about “Ignorance is bliss, so why am I so masochistic that I’m always trying to learn more about everything??” And you think MORE BOOKS is a good idea?

Part of self 1: But, but, boooooks….

time doofus strikes again.

As for the Jung Society events I was looking forward to tonight and tomorrow… they are next weekend. I even looked at the site this afternoon to make sure of the time, and totally missed the date. Well, at least I left work at a decent time and had a nice—if quick—dinner of several grain/veggie/fruit salads before heading to the location only to find square dancers and a conspicuous lack of Jungians.

So. OMG. An unexpected expanse of alone time. I’m actually quite relieved. I am exhausted. And this means I don’t have to wait until Sunday to install the new bird bath. I also have made it a vague goal to make it to the farmers’ market tomorrow morning to get ingredients for making kimchi. I see reports that there are cabbages, bok choy, carrots, and garlic at the the market.

treasures.

Yesterday it was chilly and grey and the air was damp. After digging around in my renegade compost pile to move stuff around (one of my favorite things lately), I heard a red-bellied woodpecker flying up behind me. He flew almost to the side of the house and then made a quick turn to cling to a pine trunk above me. We looked at each other. He flew off a bit, but I could still hear him clucking.

I should mention that I knew a woodpecker made a hole in the side of the house again, but I had never seen what woodpecker.

I took a few steps down the hill behind the compost pile, crouched down, and got still. Red Belly isn’t stupid. He knew where I was. I suppose I backed up and became non-threatening enough that he eventually flew back to the pine tree above me, gave me a look, and then impossibly disappeared into the hole. It looked like he got sucked into a pneumatic tube.

Well, now I know. And I should call my landlord, but after I buy a woodpecker house or something to get the repair person to hang where the hole is now. There’s a slim chance Red Belly would move into that rather than start excavating another hole in the siding immediately as usual. While I do like the idea of him sleeping in the wall next to me while I am in my bed, I do not like the idea of him in there with the insulation. It cannot be good for him. I wish I could control who would fix the hole and when. I have a horror of them sealing the woodpecker up in the wall.

Anyway, after learning for sure that Red Belly is my close neighbor, I walked around in the woods for a little bit.

I am not sure how I missed this most amazing tree for so long, because it is very near the house but off at a weird angle. It is a huge, five-trunked tulip poplar. I must photographic it because it gave me chill bumps when I circled around the side of it and saw how three of the trunks join.

Then a little more walking, slowly, eyes scanning the ground and… what… oh my… THAT is a segment of a branch about the size of my upper arm… with a round opening and a cavity hollowed out… and mycelium wallpaper. Woodpeckers, woodpeckers, woodpeckers…

-=-=-

A week ago I walked home from campus between 9 and 10pm. I stopped for dinner on the way and walked slowly because there was still ice in places. Downtown Chapel Hill and Carrboro were deserted. Icy ghost towns. The temperature was in the low 20s/upper teens. A hoarfrost covered all the plants.

I do not know how or why I have never seen hoarfrost at night, but it may be one of the most beautiful things there is. Twinkling white Christmas lights are such a cheap imitation.

That morning I walked up the hill to downtown to catch the bus. Of course, I saw the bus I meant to catch go by while I was still half an icy block away. But before that… on the way up the hill… all was deserted and silent. Silent except for the thrillingly satisfying and LOUD cracking of the ice crust as I broke it with each step. I could hear the sound moving away from me as the crack traveled. I pretended to be Godzilla for a moment. It is true. I also giggled out loud and then looked around furtively.

Later that night I happened to think, “I haven’t heard any owls around here in quite a while. I wonder what’s up with that.” A few minutes later, I popped out onto the front deck to put some things in the recycling bin. And of course I heard a Great Horned Owl.

As I told my friend, I had a conversation with an owl. She asked, “What did the owl say?” I said, “I don’t know… the conversation was in owl.” I think it was probably saying, “God your accent is horrible,” or “Would you please be quiet, you ridiculous human?” Or maybe just, “Don’t worry. There are still owls here.” Who knows. Owls. They are never what they seem anyway.

-=-=-

Too late to do anything about it this past weekend, I learned that a pileated woodpecker was photographed in a not-too-distant state park just a few days ago. Also, I learned that bobcats are photographed at night by wildlife cameras in a few other state parks farther away, but not beyond a weekend trip. Of course LYNX RUFUS would also pop up. Can’t let the woodpeckers get all the attention.

And no, I do not think I’m going to go camp at a state park and see a bobcat, but just to be in a place where true wild cats live is what I want. Not since second grade, when I lived just on the line of the Olympic National Forest in Washington, have I spent time in an area with wild cats. Oh, and that area also keeps popping up.

I keep smelling the moist clean mossy wood forest smell of where I used to play. It may be the best smell in the world.

My friend keeps telling me the Rainbow Gathering is in Western Washington next year. I don’t know about that. I got stuck at finding out you have to poop in a trench in a non-secluded area. Yep. I don’t know about that one… I think my inner hippie may be more of a hermit that that.

i fail at bus.

It takes 11-13 minutes to walk up the hill to downtown.

When I checked this morning, I saw that the next buses would be arriving up the hill downtown in 4 and 14 minutes. “Aha!,” I thought. “It takes three minutes to walk down the hill to the ‘at trailer park’ stop. I can just go there and it will be just perfect timing.”

If the bus stopped at the trailer park after it stopped downtown, it would have been perfect timing. But it is the other way around. It’s not as if this is news to me—the whole reason I like to walk up the hill to downtown is so that I spend less time in the over-heated, motion-sickness (not-helped-by-drunks-reeking-of-cigarettes-booze-filtered-out-the-skin-and-and-sometimes-also-urine)-inducing bus.

I arrived at the trailer park stop feeling quite satisfied with myself. And then I thought I’d check when the next bus was going to come so that I could inwardly gloat over my great timing. Then I received the text telling me the next bus was in 36 minutes. I went blank and confused for a couple of minutes as I tried to process this. It slowly dawned on me that the bus that would be downtown in 14 minutes stopped at the trailer park while I was traipsing down my driveway on the way to the trailer park stop.

Sigh.

I go through periods of obsessively tracking how much time everything takes. This is how I know it is 3 minutes to the trailer park stop from home, 11-13 minutes to the downtown stop from home, 9-10 minutes from the frat house stop to my desk at work, 12 minutes from the cheap parking deck to my desk, and so on. I always think that if I just know how long everything takes, my problems with time will be solved. I am always wrong.

Times just do not stay in my head in a meaningful way long enough for me to line them all up properly. This is why I have spreadsheets to calculate when to leave for the airport and what time to start baking bread if I want toast at 4.30pm.

Now, this morning I was super-fixated on getting to work at 9:30am because a) that’s what time I am supposed to be there; and b) I had a meeting at 10am and I needed to refresh my memory on the matters at hand. At least, I was pretty sure the meeting was at 10am, but I realized I needed to check just as I shut down my computer before leaving home for the day, and I hadn’t written it in my calendar—because for some reason I always think I will remember the time. Or that I will remember to check the time before I shut down or leave my computer.

Finally it sunk in that I was totally going to be late to my meeting if I took the bus, walked, or biked. I clambered back up the hill and jumped in my car, hoping I’d be able to get back up the hill after work (winter storm alert!).

When I hit my desk at work at 9.20am, I felt slightly heroic for being 10 minutes early. This gave me plenty of time to prepare for my meeting, because it didn’t start until 11.

Every time I have a time-fail like this, I resolve to get my act together and do better. I try, but it never works for long.

Perhaps this is what used to make my parents say “She’s book-smart but she has no common sense.” Which is not true. I have plenty of common sense. It’s just that, between the ADHD and the depersonalization, I happen to nearly lack the normally-functioning time-sense module of the common sense package.

At least I’ve long since given up beating up and berating myself for being an idiot and feeling ashamed when these things happen. Now I can usually laugh at myself and accept that I’m far from an idiot, but certain tangles of my brain just aren’t hooked up right. I do what I can. What I can’t be is perfect, and I’ve got no time for feeling bad about my humanity (except for when I’d rather be a cat).

Oh look, suddenly it’s an hour later than I thought it was and there’s a 9am all-staff meeting that is still on despite the weather being bad enough that the university canceled classes until 11am tomorrow.

not from around here, are you?

The basic attitude in the air in the West is: “Go and get it.” Whoever wants to go and get it, can. This premise is taken as a given: Everyone has the same opportunities, everyone has the same potential, the same smarts, the same possibilities; the chances are equal and open to everyone. “You can do it just like everybody else; you have the intelligence, you are a human being, you can shape your own success; take it into your own hands.” We hear this said, but what is the reality? Those who are capable go happily along and of course are perfectly fine. For them, there is probably no better system than this materialistic society. But it can be very painful for those who cannot face up to life so aggressively. They feel incapacitated somewhere deep inside, as if they are not complete human beings. Instead they need to hear, “You can still do something. You can create more merit, you can make pure aspirations.”

…who cannot face up to life so aggressively, or who are not extroverts, or who are not capable of feigning happiness when they do not feel happy, or who sink to depths instead of skipping across the surface.

I was horrified to learn that introversion has been proposed for inclusion in the DSM-5, and began filing away fantasies about future flight to Finland.

I have been told, and I tell myself, that there is important work for the quiet, the still, the sensitive, the intuitive to do. That I should think more about “valuable differences” than about “alien traits.” But don’t underestimate the difficulty of out-shouting the messages of faster, louder, more that ring from every direction.

I feel lucky to have found work in a library, a place of relative stillness and reserve. A place where a number of colleagues seem as introverted as I am, if not more. But even a week working at the library wipes me out, and I often cling to my weekends as small solitary retreats.

Yesterday I spent several hours observing and caring for a small patch of ground: clearing leaf litter from nascent patches of moss, separating pebbles from soil, noting the directions of water flow from the patterns of erosion, digging with my hands. The closer you look, the more dizzying the array of life as it unfolds. It was good and comforting. Somewhere in there, I remembered this poem:

There are men too gentle to live among wolves
Who prey upon them with IBM eyes
And sell their hearts and guts for martinis at noon.
There are men too gentle for a savage world
Who dream instead of snow and children and Halloween
And wonder if the leaves will change their color soon.

There are men too gentle to live among wolves
Who anoint them for burial with greedy claws
And murder them for a merchant’s profit and gain.
There are men too gentle for a corporate world
Who dream instead of candied apples and ferris wheels
And pause to hear the distant whistle of a train.

There are men too gentle to live among wolves
Who devour them with eager appetite and search
For other men to prey upon and suck their childhood dry.
There are men too gentle for an accountant’s world
Who dream instead of Easter eggs and fragrant grass
And search for beauty in the mystery of the sky.

There are men too gentle to live among wolves
Who toss them like a lost and wounded dove.
Such gentle men are lonely in a merchant’s world,
Unless they have a gentle one to love.

–James Kavanaugh

happy birthday, leonard cohen.

Today was… a blur. Being fully medicated improves everything, including the overwhelm. Imagine that! Maybe I take these things for a reason…. I’m in the in-between stage of getting COBRA set up, so I’m paying out of pocket for drugs this month. So far +/- $320 and another one to fill tomorrow. I am forever ASTOUNDED that they can charge $270 for a 30-day supply of a generic that doesn’t release the same as the brand name. So much gratitude for health insurance, though.

Many emails. Work. Millennium not a happy system. Work peeps all signed a card with mushrooms and fall leaves on the cover. Talked to Will for a while. Rebecca took me out for ice cream. I saw many pigeons. Terrell took me out for sushi. Saw Joe and Bruce at WSM when T and I went for chocolate raspberry cake.

Got home and my door was almost blocked with boxes. I did well at timing my recent purchases to all arrive as birthday gifts. I received:

  • My order from Mountain Rose Herbals, including soapnuts. (I made liquid soap extract, or soapnut tea) Also included fir essential oil on sale so my laundry can smell like Yule trees.
  • My spiral slicer and kelp noodles
  • My WonderWash and spin dryer

I can’t believe how much water that dryer extracts from my clothes. Yes, on my birthday I very excitedly did laundry with my new toys.

And now, no more buying stuff for a while!

reports.

Found:
– Smooth, shiny red magnolia seed on the sidewalk, free from its burr and seeming quite jewel-like
– Feather. Grey at the bottom, white at the tip. That’s not very notable, but there is a grey triangle in the middle of the white tip.
– Cicada on sidewalk. Was not sure if it was alive or dead until I picked it up. It was alive so I put it at the base of an oak tree.
– Butterfly

Seen:
– Big black cat with yellow eyes watching me from atop a car in the parking deck
– Nest on the ground, falling apart. I had nothing in which to carry it and it looked like squirrel had rooted around in it anyway.
– At least 5 cicadas squished to smithereens on sidewalks. Number of these seen previous to return of students for Fall semester: 0.

Received:
– One red egg filled with the philosopher’s stone

Noted:
– The dead tree looming over my house from across the street has finally been cut down. Given the distribution of twigs and pieces of branches scattered by the removal, it is a damned good thing they cut it down before it fell.

Did not want:
– Cats yowling outside at 5:30am causing two of the cats in my bedroom to freak out and have a rolling-around, screaming-in-that-creepy-(and really loud)-cat-fighting way.
– My cell phone to have been automatically set one hour late for at least 3 hours Tuesday morning, including the time I normally wake up. The effect was that my cell phone alarm went off at 8:15 (so it displayed) but the rest of the clocks read 9:15.

Enjoyed:
– Writing a quick script to save a colleague a whole lot of time and tedious work.
– Last night’s class session on cataloging in context and FRBR.

Astounded:
– That it is September already.

Wishing for:
– Rain

Experienced:
– Monday night, depersonalization/derealization episode of unsettling strength and duration. Also file under “Did not want,” but here’s to knowledge and intact reality testing.
– Kensho-esque span of some amount of time upon ascending the stairs of the parking deck to open expanse of night sky Tuesday night.
– Intense head pain for an hour and a half last night.

These three things might not be unrelated.

bits.

Since I discovered that they are in fact webworms and are devouring the redbud tree that hangs over my car and front walkway, the tiny white fuzzy caterpillars no longer seem cute.

Early webworm instar

Early webworm instar

Yesterday I tore out all the nests I could reach with a rake. This is the first time I’ve seen these guys since I’ve lived here. Since “the pupae over-winter in cocoons in the ground. Pupae may also be found under loose bark and in leaf litter,” I’m going to blame this infestation on the nasty, ugly mulch with which the landscapers covered the area between my front walk and street last winter, killing the lovely moss that was growing there.

In addition to killing the moss and (likely) introducing webworms to my trees, the mulch looks like a tree-eating dinosaur vomited in front of my house. It is so much uglier than whatever they thought needed fixing. They also planted several bushes in the area, all of which have died. Ugh.

In addition to battling webworms, yesterday I also cleaned and refilled the back birdfeeder, cleared leaves from my (hopefully one day) moss garden, started a compost pile, began creating a brushpile for wildlife behind my house, and arranged some things to try to mitigate the erosion due to lack of downspouts on the corners of my front porch. What I would really like are some rain chains. And to create a dry streambed to shunt the runoff around the driveway to the sunny part of the slope where I could put a rain garden. But I run away with myself…

Today’s work excitement: cataloging research blitz, at which I was a “blitzer” who “blitzed” on the topic of our e-book cataloging coverage and what SerialsSolutions ebook MARC service has added.

Tomorrow’s work excitement: emergency response walkthrough. I’m not sure what that is, but it sounds exciting. I’m sure it will be less exciting than it sounds, though.